It could just be luck: The infection and subsequent recovery triggered my depression, which triggered my migraines; the combination of the three and the resulting loss of attendance and focus has damaged my academic success. I have ambitious research plans that are difficult to achieve, and I reasonably expected better support in my research than I actually received; thereby I became discouraged.

But it could also be subconscious or semi-conscious intentions on my part. I stand before a crossroads in my life, with many options laid out before me. I could go on to graduate school; I could join the Peace Corps; I could seek a teaching fellowship; I could combine these things through Peace Corps Master's International; I could take a year off to finish my book; and there are thousands of other options I might sometimes be tempted to consider but would generally consider less viable.

And in the face of all these options, I am afraid, or anxious,or some similar aversive emotion. I fear that I will make the wrong choice, or that I won't be given the opportunity I deserve. I feel as a tiny kayak on a fast and forking river, trying desperately to choose my course as I am swept ahead. I feel that I need time to consider these options, time to reflect upon my true goals and aspirations, time to plan my future. And yet I am not being given this time; the hours and days and months carry me relentlessly closer to graduation.

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" said John Lennon, and a month later he'd been murdered. I am continually reminded of this thought, because it is so troubling to me. I don't want my life to be so random, so far beyond my control.

I want time to think about what I want to do in my life; I want time to develop deeper theories of the Hard Problem; I want time to write my books. I want to shunt a log across the river so that I can plan my course.

I'm not sure this is a reasonable desire; life goes on regardless of what we want. Yet at the same time, I see so many people around me with no plans, no dreams, simply carried forth into lives in which they will ultimately be unhappy and unfulfilled. Worse, even if they are happy, they are unlikely to achieve great good in the world; some might be satisfied with helping only those near to them, but I feel a deep drive to achieve something great, something lasting. In order to do that I need to seriously reflect upon the best path for myself.

Perhaps I should take the next semester off? That's the closest I can see to shunting the river. I could spend the winter of 2010 reflecting, then come back in 2010-2011 to finish my degree. This feels unappealing to me... I think this is primarily because it seems "weak" or like "surrender". I feel as if I am giving in to my anxiety—or even to my depression. I am "losing" some sort of "battle".

Alternatively, with significant effort I could psych myself back to full potential, finish my degree in time. This latter plan raises additional questions: Should I cancel my honors thesis? What should I do after graduation—and shouldn't I be applying to these things now?

Increasingly I'm thinking time off is warranted. I'd need to make sure that I use the time—that it isn't just wasted—but I think I could do that. The sense of "weakness" or "surrender" increasingly seems a poor reason for choosing a particular direction in my life. Indeed, I feel a sense of relief simply from proposing the option: Even if I ultimately decide not to do so, I have found a way to shunt the river. Will my parents be disappointed? Will others think less of me? Possibly—though not necessarily. And even if I make the wrong choice, there will be time to change that decision—many people change careers well into middle age. I could stay on this path now and change later.

Yet this is my life, and my life's direction that I am trying to decide. I want to do it right the first time. My autonomy here is not negotiable. In the absence of some foolish fantasy of divine destiny, autonomy in planning our lives is essential to fulfillment. Achieving what I want means knowing what I want and planning appropriately. I should not sacrifice that autonomy for the sake of some mild and transient disapproval.